Damned Dolphins, Or Here’s Your Dolphin Pictures Already

I wrote a post last year about dolphins. I know what you’re thinking. How quaint. You’re making assumptions about me right now, aren’t you? That I like sparkly pink purses and put stickers on everything. You’re picturing unicorns and rainbows and dolphins swimming whilst laughing and rejoicing as their glossy skin gleans in the sun. Gleans!

Ah, the acid trip of dolphin youth.

But if you would get off of your assumption train for a moment (judgmental much?), I’d be able to tell you that this post I wrote about dolphins had to do with the BP oil spill and I tied it all together with a fun anecdote about when I got splashed by a dolphin at SeaWorld.

This post is my most popular to date. I don’t have a popular blog or anything, but I got somewhere around 1,400 visits on this one post because it was Freshly Pressed. Now, this was awesome. Blogging is a combination of hobby, outlet, and way to spread the word about my writing, and someone thought enough of my post to press it. Freshly, even. I was honored.

But, with all great achievements there is a burden waiting to be taken up. My burden? The majority of my traffic comes from people looking for pictures of dolphins now. What little traffic I get from search engines rests solely on the nimble fingers of dolphin lovers. Dolphin lovers so enthusiastic about these mammals of the sea, they feel the need to hit the Google with a query punched up with maximum dolphin.

You want dolphin? Fine. You can have them!

The typical searches are for phrases like “dolphin laughing,” or “dolphin swimming.” And if they’re really getting creative, “dolphin smile.” Because really, they’re just gorgeous, aren’t they? So happy, eyes filled with the innocence of a child, metallic skin glistening under the golden rays of the sun. Some might call them majestic…

Then of course, some people have found my blog by searching for the following:

dying dolphin laugh

You sick motherfucker. Does the sound of a dying dolphin send a shiver up your spine? A special tingle?┬áDude, run away as fast as you can. I don’t want to know you.

I see your dreams. And judge them.

Other phrases I find worrisome:

dolphin with human baby

That’s weird. And sounds dangerous. If you’re looking for baby + dolphin photo ops, you’ve come to the wrong place.

a dolphin saying goodbye see you later

Or waving. You know, that would’ve worked, too. Unless you actually wanted to find out information about a talking dolphin that can only say “goodbye, see you later.” If that’s the case, creativity bonus points for you. Just don’t let me see your sick laboratory in the basement of your mother’s house where you try to “fix” dolphins so they can talk. That shit’s just wrong.

And the WTF award goes to:

dolphins putting up their fin like when you put up your hand in school

How strangely specific. Why would you need to look for this? What possible reason? No, I’m serious. I need to know.

how do dolphins see

Their blowholes.

dead dolphins

I thought I told you to go away! Turn around and leave. No sick bastards that like the sound of dolphin death allowed.

I'm a dolphin, bitch!

This is my curse. Thank you for allowing me to share it with you. Maybe I should write a post about sea turtles to try to balance this out. Or maybe even a land mammal to shake things up. In the meantime, I’ve dug the dolphin hole a little bit deeper. Oh no. Now someone searching for dolphin holes is going to find me. I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight.